Ken’s VOX blog

Finding Honor

nobody@vox.com(Ken Camp) — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 15:52:30 -0700

When I started this, I debated whether I was writing to myself, to Sheryl, or more. It could have been an email to her, but since I typed it here, it's now a blog post. The title may seem odd, but it's something that's been in my thoughts much of today. I've had reason to think about myself and finding honor as an adult man.

I spent my life being far from honorable, although the world never really saw me that way. I lived a lie. Pretended I was someone I was not, and more of the world, me included, bought the lie I lived.

I was, in the whole, an ok father. Not great. Not even good much of the time. My sons, regardless of my ability as a father, have both grown to be strong, intelligent, honorable men. Men I'm proud of. Our relationships struggle at times, because of things I've done. But through it all, I love them and I'm very proud of the men they've both become. I don't tell either of them that often enough.

I was decidedly not a good husband. In a 35 marriage, I let feelings of responsibility an obligation lead me too often. I was unhappy, but rather than tell my wife I was unhappy, or work on improving things, I sought distraction elsewhere. I behaved dishonorably. I dallied where a married man should never dally. I failed to honor our marriage. Now 35 years later, we're finishing up our divorce. I feel in many ways I cheated her, but a marriage takes two. We both accepted to easily the things that were wrong and just let them fester until the end. That was wrong, and I'd do life differently if I could.

I'm writing this, not about my past, but about my now. My life and my future. Because I've made an amazing set of discoveries rather late in life. First and foremost, I found a love like I never imagined possible. It's more than that really. All my life I felt alone, yet somehow hung on to the dream that somewhere existed my one great love. The woman who'd matter more to me than life itself. I found her in Sheryl. But in finding her, I found so much more than I'd imagined. Her love is so powerful and complete. It washes over me like an ocean. It consumes my soul, but in doing so renews my life and makes me strong.

Loving Sheryl brought me face to face with something else. Honor and integrity. My own. Sheryl needs and deserves complete and total honesty, something I'd never really given. She deserves it, and for the first time in my life, I found myself being true and honest. Honorable and full on integrity. In short, she helped me discovery a sense of nobility that I'd only lied to myself about having in the past. Just as I dreamed of love that I didn't really believe I could have, I dreamed of myself as a man of honor and integrity, but knew that down inside I was not.

Inside there was a good man. But my choices in life and my behavior kept the good in me buried. The dishonorable me reigned and ruled over my adult life. Shame on me for that, but it was my life. It is my life no more.

I've found my honor, my integrity and whatever might pass for nobility. At the age of 55, falling in love with the right woman has forever changed me as a man. I tell her things that she doesn't always believe. She wants to believe them, but sometimes she can't because the past patterns of my life make it hard to accept. But here are some things I know down deep in my soul.

Sheryl rocks my universe in ways I could never imagine.
She takes my breath away at unexpected times. A glimpse of her and my breath catches in my throat.
She makes my heart skip a beat. Especially when we got out somewhere and aren't together. She may go to the washroom or something, and I find myself looking...watching for her. When she appears, my heart skips a beat, then races like mad as she approaches.
She is the single most beautiful woman I've ever known. She says I study her, but what I do is memorize her. Her beauty makes me wish I was a real artist. The curve of her should, the line of her next, the crinkle of her eyes, the corner of her mouth. These are things that Da Vinci or Michaelangelo couldn't have done justice to. I sketch badly on my very best day, yes I so wish I could draw her. Her beauty is exquisite and she is a goddess to me. I know she'll forever think I'm feeing her a line when I say that. But I know the truth in my soul. She is my Aphrodite and more.
She is far more intelligent than I am. In some ways that's hard to admit to myself. And she'll never agree, but it's true. She has a combination of learning, life skill, loving/caring and an inquisitive nature that makes her one of the smartest people I will ever know. (Sorry baby, you don't have to agree, but it is the truth).
She's so gifted in ways she doesn't see. It's one of the things that drew me to her, but now some days it frustrates me. We collaborate on an article and she insists she contributes nothing. What a total crock. How to you tell the woman you live that she's full of baloney? Her curiosity, her views, her questions, and the way she thinks make our work together so much stronger than mine alone. She can't see that, but I do. And I encourage her to write more, say more, to stretch. I know when she does, the student (if that's her) will so easily surpass the teacher (if that's me).
So many more things that awe me in ways I can't begin to share. Sheryl simply awes me. Every day in every way.

This woman I love has given me the greatest gifts any man could ever dream of. She gives me her love every day. She believes in me, sometimes in ways and at times I don't believe in myself. She sees things in me I will never see in myself. Where I see flaws and failures, she sees potential. And she continues to bet on that potential.

She has given me a new way of seeing the world and living in it. Sheryl's love helped me rediscover integrity and honor inside me. They were always there, but buried.

Now, at 55, I understand commitment and devotion. For the first time ever, I feel hem in my soul. I know my destiny. I know where my love, my life, my devotion and all that's important lies. It lies in Sheryl. With her and loving her. I have an honor and integrity that's neverending. I made a pledge to her. More than that, a solemn vow. That will sound odd to some people, because we aren't married. Not yet. But I've given me to Sheryl. All I am. All I ever accomplish. All I ever have or become, all I ever think, dream or do, is hers' Dedicated and devoted to her.

More than that, there are no conditions. None. I freely and happily choose to devote my life to loving and honoring Sheryl in every way. Come what may, until the end of time. That means if something happens and she stops loving me, I'll spend my days loving her anyway. True to her. Faithful to her. Dedicated and devoted to her. Because I love her on my honor...with my honor. I will never do anything less that love and cherish her with every fiber of my being. Above all else, Sheryl, my one great love, my best friend, my partner, my to-be wife, is truly my everything.

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Could I Have This Kiss Forever (for Sheryl)

nobody@vox.com(Ken Camp) — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 09:51:28 -0700

Over and over I look in your eyes
You are all I desire
You have captured me
I want to hold you
I want to be close to you
I never want to let go
I wish that this night would never end
I need to know

Could I have this kiss for a lifetime
Could I look into your eyes
Could I have this night to share this night together
Could I hold you close beside me
Could I hold you for all time
Could I could I have this kiss forever
Could I could I have this kiss forever, forever

Over and over I've dreamed of this night
Now you're here by my side
You are next to me
I want to hold you and touch you taste you
And make you want no one but me
I wish that this kiss could never end
Oh baby please

Could I hold you for a lifetime
Could I look into your eyes
Could I have this night to share this night together
Could I hold you close beside me
Could I hold you for all time
Could I could I have this kiss forever
Could I could I have this kiss forever, forever

I don't want any night to go by
Without you by my side
I just want all my days
Spent being next to you
Lived for just loving you
And baby, oh by the way

Could I hold you for a lifetime
Could I look into your eyes
Could I have this night to share this night together
Could I hold you close beside me
Could I hold you for all time
Could I have this kiss forever
Could I could I have this kiss forever, forever

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Love is

nobody@vox.com(Ken Camp) — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 08:40:06 -0700

Sheryl's Smile after saying yes

Finding the one person who makes you happy and alive.
Needing to give all of yourself to her.
Feeling boundless and endless unconditional love washing over you from inside.
Having someone who really means more to you than anything on earth.
Being alive with anticipation of the nearness of her. Aching when you're apart. Pining.
Devotion and commitment with no conditions of any kind.

Come what may.
Always.
All ways.
All the way.

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My gorgeous goddess

nobody@vox.com(Ken Camp) — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 13:26:01 -0700

Even when she doesn't want her picture taken she's the most beautiful woman in the world.

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My Everything

nobody@vox.com(Ken Camp) — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 11:46:36 -0700

Forgive me while I digress with some personal thoughts for a moment.

Have you ever been in love? I don't just mean loved someone. I mean been so totally in love that nothing else in the world mattered? If you haven't, you can't imagine the feeling. It's the most powerful feeling there is.

I'm in love with Sheryl. Our relationship is very public, and anyone who reads here can see much of our life together. I love her beyond anything I will ever be able to express. She's my universe. my sun rises and sets in her. Without her there would be no stars, no music, no sunshine. Without her, the universe would simply be a black hole.

We came together as adults, with a lot of history prior to each other. My history isn't all good. I've not always been a good, honest and loving man. Now that past is dead to me. The things I did before are gone. I can never be that man again. Yet, the past haunts us forever, doesn't it. Sometimes I don't respect that the way I should.

Sheryl has spoiled me for all other women because there can never be another for me. I know that sounds like a bold statement, but it's true. If she were not my partner, my mate, my love, I would simply stop breathing. My heart would stop. And I wouldn't care. There is no other who could ever take her place. Ever.

DSC_0101

To me, Sheryl is a goddess beyond words. I adore and worship her. Look at that picture and see what I see. The most amazing, intelligent, loving woman in the world. She is the only woman on earth. She is my everything. I would do anything to make her happy and please her. I want her to be delighted every day in our life together.

Yet I fail. Often. I fail because I can't find enough ways to express my love. She knows I love her. But I always want to show more. I need to show more.

I just needed to say that.

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This Marvelous Woman I Love

nobody@vox.com(Ken Camp) — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 20:52:18 -0700

She takes my breath away

Every day I wake up with this wonderful woman by my side. Our life has been chaotic lately, but I continually marvel at how magnificent my darling sweet Sheryl is.

Sheryl is my inspiration...my muse. She not only delights me, she inspires me to new thoughts, and awakens new dreams. She is my treasure and her love is the most wondrous any man could hope for.

The most playful and wonderful partner a man could hope for.

I'm thankful to be alive and will spend all of time loving Sheryl more each day.

Always
All ways
All the way

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Living Carpe Diem

nobody@vox.com(Ken Camp) — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 10:15:30 -0700

Sheryl and I returned late last night from a 2-day, 940 mile road trip. We'll post about that as we get a chance to process our video, pictures and audio. This is about something else. It's about learning. Realizations and epiphanies.

Talking wit our good friend Jeff on the trip, and talking with Sheryl during lots of miles in the car, I'm re-experiencing an awakening. Something that's hit me before. And I've often said the words. Said them often, lived them sometimes, but not always.

Carpe diem. Seize the day.

Sometimes I get hit between the eyes with the realization of just how powerful love is. And when I notice how easy it can be to let life intervene, it makes me think. Old habits, routines built through our lives, and general chaos slips into our lives. Wheb we let this happen, we quit focusing on what really matters most.

I found a new refocusing on what matters most to me. Sheryl. I've got a full time job. I've got outside projects, mostly writing. I've got a lifetime of old habits and behaviors, many of which I don't like. They're a detriment to life today and the future. Things I must unlearn and leave behind. There are things in the world that, if allowed, can divert my attention from the single most important thing in my life - being present, in the moment, in every moment, with Sheryl.

So I made a resolution to myself during the wee small hours of the morning when my stomach was hurting and my brain wouldn't let me get back to sleep.

I will forever on, seize each moment of my life, each day, each hour, each minute, focused on Sheryl and our life and future together. She is the most important person in the universe. Her love for me is a precious gift, and one I cannot and will not squander, disrespect or lose sight of.

I must forever live each day and every moment as if it were my last. It could be, although I'm not going to dwell on that. But I will seize the day, seize the moment, and seize the woman I love as if it were. My love knows no bounds, and I'm reinventing/rediscovering me along the way with Sheryl. Every day I love her more. Every day I treasure her love for me more. Every day I learn from her. Every day, I realize again what a wondrous and precious gift the love of this incredible woman is. It's a gift to be cherished, nurtured and protected with every fiber of my being,

Sheryl,

I love you in ways I never dreamed I could love. My love for you is so powerful and strong. It grows daily as you continue in so many ways to make me heart race and take my breath away. You are the most incredible and amazing woman God ever put on this earth. And I know in my soul that my reason for existence is to love you with all I am for all time.

I don't know why God chose to let me find the incredible gift of you, or why I was blessed with your love in return. I don't deserve either, yet I'm thankful to my core for every moment we share. Thank you for loving me and for choosing to spend your life with with me.

I love you always.
I love you all ways.
I love you all the way.

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The Children are our Future

nobody@vox.com(Ken Camp) — Tue, 20 May 2008 10:56:06 -0700

Children are our future

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Changes and moving ahead together

nobody@vox.com(Ken Camp) — Mon, 19 May 2008 09:13:42 -0700

Friends and those who follow along know that Sheryl and I have had a pretty hectic time together the past few months. We moved about two weeks ago across town to a different part of Olympia. We really love our new home. It's the perfect size for us. It even has space in our office for a studio area to film our GeekSpeakTV. But sometimes life puts some pretty interesting turns in the road.

I've been offered and accepted a position with a company in the Spokane Valley, so we're moving...again. We're moving this coming Friday, three weeks to the day after we moved last. We're going into corporate housing (a furnished apartment) while we found a new place. That gives us a long weekend to find the basic essential services so I can start in my new role on Tuesday.

But wait, there's more. We've been working with our good friend Jeff Pulver to coordinate the upcoming Breakfast with Jeff Pulver (and friends) in Seattle . Not only is it a chance to see Jeff again, we're going to be doing some video as we track A Day in the Life of Jeff for our GeekSpeakTV. To make things a little more interesting, Robert Scoble will be joining Jeff, so this breakfast is with with Jeff and Robert.

Jeff has a chance to stay at the Edgewater in Seattle (he calls it the Rock and Roll Hotel...hes a huge fan). Sheryl and I will pick up with Jeff, after breakfast and the three of us will be driving to Vancouver for Breakfast with Jeff Pulver (and friends) in Vancouver the next day. After more video and networking with another great group of people, we'll hit the road back to Spokane. Plenty of windshield time for us.

But wait, there's more. On July 4th Sheryl and I will be flying up to northern BC. Many of her things are still in storage up there. We're going to load them up, pick up David, and the three of us will then drive back to Spokane. Again, quality time together looking through the windshield.

Life is going to continue to busy and exciting for us. We're still pursuing all our dreams together. Stardust and GeekSpeakTV are going well. I've got a fabulous new job with a great employer. Our daily routine will change and we'll adapt as we go. I'm sure we'll find a way for a little downtime for ourselves along the way.

Together. Everything we do in life we do together. That's where the real strength lies for us. We have a powerful, magical love that we're protecting and nurturing forever as we journey through life, hand in hand and side by side.

I love you Sheryl. Always. All ways. All the way.

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Dinner view

nobody@vox.com(Ken Camp) — Fri, 09 May 2008 19:48:15 -0700

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